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A Joy Too Vague for Glory

The mysteries of sexual relationships are as profound as they are beautiful. In Proverbs 30:18-19, Agur marvels at four wondrous things, including “the way of a man with a virgin,” acknowledging the depth of this mystery. While we cannot plumb its depths entirely, we can begin to appreciate the design and purpose behind sexual relations. Here are two foundational truths and five crucial aspects expressed in the sexual union of marriage.

Foundational Truths about Sexual Relations

1. Sexual Relations Reflect Christ and the Church

In Ephesians 5:22-32, Paul reveals that the institution of marriage was designed as a reflection of the union between Christ and His Church. Jonathan Edwards argues that the marriage between Christ and the church was God’s primary grand design in creation: “Thus the grand design of God in all his works and dispensations is to present to his Son a spouse in perfect purity, beauty and glory from amongst mankind.”

Human marriages, then, are dim reflections of the ‘grand design of God’, offering a glimpse into the divine love and union between Christ and His people. Marriage is a tiny window that looks over the Grand Canyon. It is a child attempting to play a Beethoven Symphony.

Paul shows that this connection extends even to the sexual relations in marriage by quoting Genesis 2:24: “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31-32).

The reference to the “one flesh” union connects sexual relations in marriage with the relationship between Christ and the Church, elevating the significance of sex within marriage. Augustine writes: ‘it is of Christ and the Church that this is most truly understood: “And the two shall be one flesh.”’

Christopher Ash in his excellent book Married for God focuses on marriage as ‘sex in the service of God’. There is validity to looking at marriage and sex through that lens, the lens of usefulness or service or function.

I think that Sex, Dating and Relationships articulates this better. The authors argue that the primary way we should look at sex and marriage is to be thought of as our human relationships being in the image of God. This comes from thinking of marriage as primarilya dim reflection of Christ and the Church. Marriage might be described as ‘sex in the image of God.’

2. Sexual Relations are the Concentrated Essence of Marriage

Sexual union embodies the concentrated essence of marriage, where every distinct aspect of the marriage relationship—one-flesh union, intimate knowledge, fruitful love, exclusive faithfulness, and overwhelming delight—is on vivid display. This is why sexual intercourse is a stand-in for marriage.

In ancient biblical times, sexual intercourse was often the act that signified and established a marital union (e.g., Genesis 24:67; Genesis 29). The physical act is not merely a component of marriage but a microcosm of it—a vivid expression of its core truths.

A married couple is meant to live out each day in mundane ways what they express to one another passionately in the sexual union. This truth sets marriage apart as a unique human relationship. The five unique aspects of marriage as a human relationship — one-flesh union, intimate knowledge, fruitful love, exclusive faithfulness, and overwhelming delight —are highlighted and underlined in bold in the sexual union.

Combining these two foundational ideas, a couple expresses a microcosm of their marriage in the sexual act, but they also preach to themselves and experience in a small way something of what the relationship between Christ and the church is like. It is both the concentrated essence of marriage and the shadowy image of a heavenly relationship. Sex is both a high and a low.

Five Aspects of Marriage Expressed in Sexual Union

1. One Flesh Union

Marriage is about the union of two into one; it is a “one flesh” union. The act of sexual intercourse graphically displays this unity physically.

This truth is even expressed in our modern language. Words used to describe sex such as coitus, sexual intercourse, copulation, and even the word mating, all come from the idea of union. The term “sexual intercourse”, for example, derives from Latin roots sexus which means to ‘divide’ or ‘cut’, and intercourse meaning “to run between.” This linguistic origin underscores how sexual intercourse bridges the division between a male and a female, creating unity.

Eve, taken from Adam’s body and brought back to him in marriage, reflects unity restored. Similarly, the Church is united with Christ through the indwelling of the Spirit, transforming believers into His likeness. This union is not only relational but transformative, as believers grow to reflect Christ’s character and values. The one flesh union of marriage mirrors this profound spiritual reality, highlighting the intimate connection and shared identity of those joined together.

In marriage, the physical expression of one flesh is meant to be lived out in all areas of life—in caring for one another, aligning goals, and growing together. As Paul notes in Ephesians 5, husbands nourish and cherish their wives as their own bodies, and wives submit to their husbands as the body submits to the head. Over time, this union fosters mutual understanding and conformity to one another’s image, mirroring the transformative union believers experience with Christ. This shared life and purpose embody the divine calling of marriage.

2. Intimate Knowledge

Marriage is a human relationship designed for intimate knowledge.

‘And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed’ (Genesis 2:25). The nakedness and lack of shame of Adam and Eve stems initially from their innocence as they were without sin, but it also points to their immaturity. Mature humanity wears clothes (see Revelation 1:13, 7:9 and 19:8-9). However, even as the human race matured, Adam and Eve were still designed to be naked in each other’s presence. This is why a couple have to be naked during sexual intercourse.

This physical nakedness in sexual intimacy is designed to be lived out in everyday life through deep personal knowledge of one another. Genesis 4:1, among other passage, uses the phrase “Adam knew Eve his wife” to speak of their sexual union, underscoring that sexual union is not merely physical but is meant to be an expression of personal knowledge. This intimacy extends beyond the bedroom into an openness in life. Sexual intimacy serves as a recurring reminder of this transparency and connection.

This openness strengthens the marital bond and reflects the total acceptance and forgiveness believers experience in their relationship with Christ. We are to come to Jesus naked, as it were – even if this involves shame.

The gospel of Jesus Christ says: ‘I know you are guilty, but I am ready to forgive. My only requirement is that you come naked. Take off your fig leaves. All your guilt, all your shame, all the dirt in your past – don’t try to excuse any of it, don’t try to cover it up, don’t try to hide it away. I will accept you as you are, and I will love you until you become lovely – for my love is a redeeming love.’

There is no reason for shame in the gospel. And our sexual relations in marriage preach this truth every time we unclothe in front of our spouse.

3. Fruitful Love

Sexual union is a joining of two bodies into one that may become three when they come apart. The sexual union of Adam and Eve was deeply connected to the command to ‘be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth’ (Gen 1:28). That is, the sexual relations of Adam and Eve were necessary to accomplish this task.

Adam and Eve are spoken of like trees in Genesis 1-3. Both trees and Adam are brought up out of the ground. Both bear fruit with their seed in them after their kind. The ground that Adam is to plant his seed in is the woman’s womb. David makes this connection in Psalm 139:15: ‘My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.’

But in another sense, the seed is something which comes from the woman. Genesis 3:15 speaks of the woman’s ‘seed’. Looked at from this angle, the seed is to be planted back into the world and comes from a tree which is the combination of the man and the woman.

Nature expands this metaphor for us. Just as trees bear fruit which must grow from immaturity to maturity, so marriage is a tree which is designed to bring fruit that moves from immaturity to maturity. Only when fruit is ready to fall from the tree and die is it sent out into the world. Sexual relations are designed to bring forth mature, godly offspring. Yet again we find that this physical union points us to a relatively mundane application – that of raising and nurturing children (the fruit of the sexual union) into mature adults who are ready to die (that is, submit their will to the will of another – ultimately, God – see Philippians 2:8, Hebrews 5:8, Luke 22:42).

This aspect of marriage is a reflection of Christ’s relationship with his church which results, in this age, in the conversion and discipling of sinners into mature saints.

Fruitfulness extends beyond procreation. A strong sexual relationship within marriage fosters emotional and relational stability, contributing to a well-ordered household and righteous rule. Psalm 19:5 compares the sun’s ruling of the heavens to a bridegroom emerging from his chamber, hinting at the strong foundation a loving marriage bed provides for a ruler.

The ultimate aim of the union between Christ and the Church is righteous rule—a co-reigning with Christ over creation in the new heavens and new earth. This union is not merely for relational joy but for fulfilling God’s purposes in the world. Marriages that cultivate fruitful sexual love model this divine calling, bringing order, stability, rule and purpose to the household.

4. Exclusive Faithfulness

Proverbs 5:15-20 extols the exclusivity of marital love, urging husbands to rejoice in the wife of their youth and remain intoxicated by her love alone. This singular focus mirrors Christ’s unwavering devotion to His bride, the Church. Despite 6000 years of waiting, Christ’s love for his bride remains steadfast, undistracted by any other.

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19).

God wants husbands to be overtaken by their exclusive love for their wife (intoxicated) because Jesus is enraptured with his bride.

This is the reason that adultery, pornography, affairs of the mind, and polygamy are all sinful – they remove the singularity of sexual, emotional, thoughtful focus. But it is also why a cold mechanical approach in marriage is a sin. When Christ pursues his bride, his bride responds with exclusive pursuit in return.

Spouses are called not only to give themselves exclusively to one another but to pursue one another with intentionality and delight. Husbands and wives should actively seek to intoxicate each other with love—a passionate pursuit that deepens their bond and mirrors Christ’s relentless pursuit of His people.

This is the purpose of the languages of romance – art, poems, letters, songs, glances, touches, dances, gifts. These all speak in some way to the fact that you are focussing your affections on your husband or wife.

This idea of pursuit and romancing one individual speaks of the gospel as Christ pursues his Church, wooing her with words of comfort and love. Even his words of rebuke are designed to bring her back into loving relationship with him because she has strayed. All that Christ does and says to his people is specifically designed to have them drawn to him and him alone. He is focussed on her so that she will be singularly focussed on him.

5. Overwhelming Delight

God has designed sexual relations in marriage to be overwhelmingly delightful. In Genesis 2:23, Adam’s poetic exclamation upon seeing Eve reveals his delight in her.

The entire book of Song of Songs celebrates the passionate love between a husband and wife, offering a dual message: human sexuality as a gift and an allegory of Christ’s love for the Church. The mutual desire and delight depicted remind believers of the joy Christ takes in His bride and the eternal happiness awaiting those united with Him.

Throughout Scripture, God expresses His joy in His people, as seen in Isaiah 62:5: “As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”

This relationship is mutual, as the church is also meant to delight in her husband, Jesus Christ. Paradoxically, Jesus wants His church to delight in Him because He knows that she will be most delighted when she delights in Him. And it is His delight in her that drives His desire to have her delighted! (You may have to read that twice).

Jonathan Edwards captures something of this idea: ‘The great design was that Christ in this way should procure or obtain this his spouse, bring her to come to him, present her to himself and make her perfectly beautiful, perfectly and unspeakably happy.’

C.S. Lewis engages with the idea of overwhelming delight in Perelandra, where he describes the pleasure of heaven as “too definite for language.” For Lewis, sexual function will not be required in the new creation, ‘not because they were atrophied but because they were … “engulfed.”’

Trying to explain this kind of sexual pleasure to someone who has not experienced it, might remind you of Lewis’ characters in Perelandra:

“I said ‘Of course I realise it’s all rather too vague for you to put into words,’ when he took me up rather sharply, for such a patient man, by saying, ‘On the contrary, it is words that are vague. The reason why the thing can’t be expressed is that it’s too definite for language.’”

God created the most intense form of pleasure available to a human in this life in order to provide a dim, dust covered window into the pleasures of the consummated union with Christ in the new heaven and new earth. Accordingly, we pray: “Lord, I want to know you more, to be more united to you, to love you more intensely, more fruitfully, more exclusively – Lord, bring me into your joy.”

– Tom Eglinton