AP

This morning (17 January 2025) is the first year anniversary of my sweet wife’s death. This morning I thanked God for giving me such an underserved lifelong treasure. Lyn was a beautiful gift. As a 21 year old she excited me physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Yet 2024 has been the longest year of my entire life, certainly within the last 52 years. It has been said that time goes fast when your busy, but it felt like 2024 would never end. Even now it does not feel over. Perhaps it will after this week? I miss her terribly.

On one level I feel like I have not had time to grieve. On another level I have discovered there is a fine line between grieving and self-pity.

One of the defining things about Lyn’s dying was her bravery in facing it. It was not stoicism. It was founded in assurance of her eternal destiny, wrapped in the love of Christ. She put up with a lot but never showed any fear. At the end she was ready and eager to be with her LORD.

I had many fears and still do. I feared what her dying would look like. How I would cope. How Kristine, our adult intellectually disabled daughter, would cope and how Marcia, her younger sister, would cope. If Lyn had any fear, it was over Krissy’s future wellbeing. I carry the same fear but have covenanted with Lyn and God to protect and help her as much as I am able, to my dying day. I don’t see that as a burden. I love her. I am also motivated to honour Lyn’s lifelong sacrificial legacy. Sometimes I feel deeply inadequate compared to Lyn’s practical love and wisdom for Kris. I pray I won’t drop the ball.

God has provided for Kris and me. In the midst of her own grief, Marcia has been a rock. I’ve tried not to be a burden on her. She is always thinking ahead, anticipating and stepping in, even when not asked or expected. She is a blessing from God. As is her husband Pete, together with my beautiful granddaughters. I can never adequately express to Marcia what she means to me.

I first experienced close death when my brother died as a teenager. I was never close to my grandparents. My father died in my early thirties and mum in my late 40’s. But losing Lyn is different. She was not only my wife and the mother of our children, she was also my companion and best friend for my entire adult life. We were joined at the hip. It felt like she filled every moment, whether physically close or separated. She was my first consideration, my go to rock, my confidant, my sister and bride in Christ. We knew how and what each other thought on everything that mattered even without saying it.

The loss of Lyn, selling the family home, moving to Canberra and buying two houses, in less than twelve months has been tumultuous. None of it was planned. Yet, God was in it. The doors that were opened and closed by God and His timing can now all be clearly seen in hindsight. The LORD added to the underlying joy of salvation in our hearts and the knowledge that Lyn is now the happiest she has ever been, by surprising us with unexpected joyous moments. These have been significant.

The biggest surprise to me has been Kristine’s sustained positiveness in moving closer to her sister in Canberra and living in the new smaller Townhouse. It is beginning to feel like home.

She frequently tells me how much she likes it. She also really enjoys visiting our new Sydney ‘holiday house’ small unit. I feel Lyn would have approved of these tough decisions. She would be happy that Kris is happy. God has also provided the joy of unexpected new friends from church who genuinely care for Kris and have sacrificially and warmly made us feel welcome and part of their lives.

I have been richly blessed having more to do with Amelia and Simone. Lyn’s granddaughters were the apple of her eye. I ache that Lyn has missed this, but I know she is in a bliss unknowable to me. I am grateful that Pete has allowed me to step a little closer into his life. I pray I won’t abuse that privilege. He has been remarkably caring and helpful in a thousand practical ways – things that would have otherwise remained subpar for a length of time I dread to consider.

God has allowed family and friends to minister to us in very precious ways. I see His hand in everything that has happened over the past twelve months. The big and the small. He alone has sustained us through His love, grace, mercy, timing, and provision. I can’t see the future but if He is with me as He has been through 2024, and the past 74 years, then I have nothing to worry about. He fills me with Himself. I pray I can help Kris experience that too.

Psalm 4 gives me an unexplained peace; “Ponder in your own hearts on your beds and be silent…You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound” (vv.4, 7).

– Wayne Richards